A Scientific Breakthrough

Last night CERN’s Large Hadron Collider announced the discovery of the strongest known bond between any two particles on earth: a baby’s fist and her father’s chest hair. Under exact external conditions these two substances tend to bond with incredible force, and afterwards they require massive amounts of energy to force their separation.

Courtesy of Wikimedia Commons

Courtesy of Wikimedia Commons

Scientists labored exhaustively to create the fine-tuned environment necessary for the bond. It requires very low ambient light and sound, so they had to rouse themselves in the early morning hours to experience the optimal conditions.

The bond also closely relies on the low-energy state of the father-particle, such that the subject must be near-exhaustion to the point of incoherence. Although scientists found that after the bond was established, the previously dormant particle’s energy output increased rapidly and exponentially as it moved to an excited state.

Scientists were also pleasantly surprised by the dichotomy of the two particles’ entropic tendencies. “The daughter-particle, we’ve found, is highly willing to impart its energy to the surrounding environment,” said one lab-coated interviewee excitedly, “whereas the father-particle not only attempts to suppress its own energy output, but also to limit that of the daughter-particle as well.” Scientists speculated that this was due to the father-particle’s previously established bonds that had slipped into a dormant state, and the particle was, for some reason, unwilling to allow other son- or daughter-particles to also be moved into a higher energy state along with the first daughter-particle.

“It’s an extraordinary development” said CERN in a press release.

When asked about practical applications, a CERN spokesperson was quick to acknowledge limitations: “the raw materials are in short supply, of course, but if we can somehow manage to mass produce baby fists and chest hair in adequate quantities the adhesives industry will undergo a radical transformation.”


About Derrick

Derrick lives and works in South Carolina where he teaches English at a technical college and raises his two small children with his wife, Danielle.
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